Reasons Why? Part 2 – If I were the Devil

What has happened to our world, our society, living? Are we, humans, doomed from the very beginning? The holy book holds the historical factor of us constantly failing to do what we suppose to do on this earth. We disobey our heavenly father and continue to sin even though his only son sacrificed himself to save us. Yet, people continue to believe we are saved by his grace and are okay with sinning until judgment day comes. I’ll just leave it as that…

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To Hell and Back

Well, it has been about two months since I last wrote on this blog. I was going through my own hiatus and fighting my demons. I’m not totally recovered but I’m trying to think positive and staying calm. Patience is a virtue and focusing on the present helps to relieve the anxiety and depression. Although those bad memories keep popping into my head from time-to-time; there will always be there and I can’t do anything about it besides to control those thoughts/memories. It’s hard battling my own mind, its like two people living in one body. I have to say if it wasn’t for my family, I would be gone from this earth. Either off-grid or to dust, but I’m glad I choose to raise my fists, tuck in my chin and fight back. Yes, I’m back. Let’s do this!

 

Reasons Why? Part 1

No matter how many pieces of training, classes or leadership changes, the toxic work environment will always exist in the military.

“If we don’t do something about toxic leadership, I mean in the end, not to be too dramatic, but it does have life or death consequences. And quite honestly, we owe it to the American public.” Gen. David Perkins

The Army then launched a pilot project to take a second step toward dealing with the problem: In addition to having leaders evaluate their subordinates, as just about every institution does, they asked subordinates to evaluate their leaders — anonymously…

…anonymously? I think not! The 360 evaluation is a shame and they always find a loophole, just like the new NCO Evaluation System.

A Soldier’s Prayer

Father YHWH,

The darkness has taken hold me and I can’t find my way back to the light. At this moment, ending it all seems like the best option, the only option, the only way to escape. Yet, there is something in me that wants your light to snuff out the darkness. So I ask, Lord, that you would do just that. You are the only light that can shine in the darkness.

I know when I’m consumed with thoughts of death I’m believing lies from the enemy. I ask Lord that you would remind me of these truths: when I feel alone, you are with me; when I feel invisible, you see me; when I feel worthless, my value is knowing you and being known by you.

Lord, help me to understand that you are enough because you are everything I need and more.

Remind me that when I feel hopeless, you have hope in me and for me. Remind me that when I don’t have the words to cry out to you, your son Yehshua is praying for me, and your Spirit intercedes for me with groanings too deep for words. Let this remind me that I am seen, heard and deeply loved.

I often feel out of place in this world. I don’t fit in and I’m not sure I want to. Remind me that this world is not my home and while, as your child, I will never fit in here, my time here isn’t over. Not yet. Please, give me the desire to live.

When I feel like I don’t matter, remind me that I was created with a purpose. When I don’t know or understand why I feel the way I feel – remind me that you know the depth of pain in my heart, in my body and in my being. You know me better than I know myself… and yet you still love me.

When I feel like my death would go unnoticed because my life seems to go by uncelebrated,

remind me that you celebrate me and that you hurt for me when I’m in this dark place.

Remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I am worth more than I know.

Remind me that this life is not mine to take.

Remind me that suicide is not the only option.

Remind me to love you and to love myself.

As I say these words I know in my heart that you love me and I feel incredible guilt for wanting to take the life you gave me. I feel embarrassed to admit these thoughts to you. I feel overwhelmed that you know these thoughts without my even saying them, and yet you still love me.

Remind me that Yeshua did not come to earth and die for me so that I could live a defeated life. Help me to desire life and to live fully in you.

In your precious name, Amen.

– B.A. Baus